Wednesday, October 9, 2013

I read on the internet that...

Ray Ban's created aviators for the U.S. Army Air Corps so that their pilot could shot down Japs without the sun in theirs eyes. Ho Chi Minh was an alien from a planet that looked a lot like Vietnam. Factory raised chickens feel pain. The Soviets were the only one who made it to the moon. U.S. propaganda was so good not even the Russians believed they landed there. The giraffe went extinct 5 years ago. Miles Davis was a robot. God exist in some capacity. Gas station hotdogs are made from wild raccoon anus. Fossil fuels are a renewable resource, trees are not. The pancake is grey. The toilet wont flush. Recycling is a scam. Girls don't poop. No one masturbates, except Mormons. We evolved from lizards, which evolved from butterflies. Everything Freud says is true. Everything the T.V. says is a lie. The world is flat. The soda is flat. The tire is flat. It takes no time to travel to Mars. Light years are a thing of the past. Inhabitants of an island were evacuated due to a beetle infestation. The island was then nuked. Test results were positive. Febreeze actually freshens air like the fall rain. Dinosaurs are not extinct, they just live in the Congo. Earthquakes are man-made. Buying small packages are cheaper than buying in bulk. My dog had surgery and now he's a bitch. Pedigree puts fertilizer in their dog food so when dogs poop in the grass, it helps the grass grow. Grass have feelings too. Babies cannot feel pain, they cry cause they want to. Egg yolks were used in Renaissance paintings. History never happened. Alex Trebek knows the answer to every Jeopardy question ever, especially the questions of the future. Kim jong-il is still alive, he couch surfs at Dennis Rodman's house and eats ham and brie sandwiches. France is a peaceful country. Diplomacy is a fancy word for "shit talking" before a fight. Tristan Tzara is rolling over in his grave. Salvidor Dali paintings are for wannabe artists. "Might makes right" that's from the Greek. Hell isn't so bad, it's just hot. Heaven sucks and God made it that way. The U.S. government creates hurricanes and selling the naming rights to old New England hags. It's still 1955, but it's also 2015. There is no such thing as a soul, if there was one you can find them in the discount bin. Brushing your teeth is bad for you, brush other people's teeth. Swallow fluoride. The fountain of youth is somewhere in Florida. Columbus discovered it, that's all he discovered. Science is the new religion. Religion was always a science. My friends and coworkers are a figment of my imagination. Music is love. Bad music is rough love. Chipmunks never sleep. Santa is real. Santas at shopping malls are just interning for college credit at Santa U. No one has every solved a Rubik's Cube. In case of fire, jump out of the window. Dice have four sides. The Apocalypse will happen yesterday. Small pocketknives are allowed on planes again. Monkeys built a bridge from India to Sri Lanka. Humans built a water bridge connecting the Atlantic to the Pacific. The Earth doesn't exist, only the internet does. I read this on the internet and I want to believe.

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