Aries (Mar21-Apr19)
Get ready for 2014, Aries! Things will happen to you, and you will think about them, a lot. Careful not to let that Capricorn moon in January lead you down a dark path of introspection, or you may end up in a mental inferno. Your determination mixed with self absorption can be a double edged sword - Just look at Stacy "Fergie" Ferguson, arguably the most famous Aries in all of history: She went from D-list pop singer to crackhead almost overnight, but that Aries work ethic lead her back to great success with the Black Eyed Peas. She's even been on the cover of magazines, even though she destroyed her face with crack!
Taurus (Apr20-May20)
Do us a favor and keep to yourself for a while. When you feel like you've "figured it out," throw a party or something.
Gemini (May21-Jun20)
You may feel very set on achieving some major career and/or money-related goals at the beginning of the New Year. Be patient and communicative to all your friends, and loved ones, as they may not be aware of the fact that their obsession with you might distract you from your more important personal goals. I know, it's really hard to be you.
Cancer (Jun21-Jul22)
This year, I encourage you to seriously consider all the ideas that may come to you, no matter how strange. Get support from good friends, but remember, your biggest strength will be your own self acceptance and open-mindedness. Keep this quote in mind, from the fantastic Cancer, Richard Simmons: “I might as well be gay. And not just because I love rhinestones and Barbara Streisand. But because I'm a sensitive person who is supportive of gay people the same way I'm sensitive to grossly obese people and ugly people.”
Leo (Jul23-Aug22)
Be good this month Leo, as the rest of the year maybe rough. People will grow tired of your stuck up nature, your laziness and demanding attitude, and may find it necessary to flick a cigarette butt in your face. So collecting those Karma points now could be vital in the coming days.
Virgo (Aug23-Sep22)
I think it's time for a change of scenery. In fact I know it, but I know you won't do it. Any change to the "plan" now will only leave you in disarray and worse off than you already are.
Libra (Sep23-Oct22)
Any month is a good month to party. But you should weigh out social health and physical health. Which one is more important? Where is the balance? To hell with both, it's time to drink and smoke and partake in heavy drugs alone in your room, until both sides of the scale reach a new low.
Scorpio (Oct23-Nov21)
Keep on working there lil' Scorpio. It doesn't matter that no body sees or cares about your contribution to the world. How can they even appreciate it when they can't feel it? But don't let your pessimism get the better of you, like it usually does. Be happy that you are the unsung hero in your mind at least.
Sagittarius (Nov22-Dec21)
You give, so you can take. fulfill your role as God.
Capricorn (Dec22-Jan19)
People say that you could use a little break, a little treat for your hard work. But that is counter-productive and tell them to fuck off. Achievement is a reward in itself.
Aquarius (Jan20-Feb19)
Clean up your act. Brush your teeth. Wipe your butt. The sea is full of new opportunities and adventures just waiting to be discovered. It might be hard deciding which direction to go, as you are very well versed in many aspects of life. Your best bet would be not denying what comes your way. Especially that one night stand you have been waiting for.
Pisces (Feb20-Mar20)
The new year may feel like you are swimming in whiskey. The tides are changing and it's time for you to head for new waters. Make the effort to switch to another drink. tequila maybe even water. As you will be inebriated one night, the help of a stranger will be well appreciated. just make sure he/she doesn't put it in your butt.
